"the unanswered question, the resolute doubt"

So I thought I’d love glamorous and artistic New York, but found it to be oppressive and uninspiring. Granted, I was on the trip from HELL and everything went wrong. I was only there for 2ish days, but you do get a “feel” for a city. Maybe if I went on my own schedule and could get up early and go see more of the city I might enjoy it more. But I’ve never been to a big city before [besides DC], and I was shocked at how ugly, trashy, and mechanical it was. I didn’t even feel like I was a person with all those huge corporate buildings and the rich businessmen and the millions of artistic people milling about a suffocating city.

There were no parks or trees, besides the beautiful and lovely Central Park. I loved the museums, but unlike D.C., they all cost money. The metro was confusing and falling into ruin, not to mention dangerous. The city was all plastic, and if you aren’t filthy rich, there seems like there’s nothing to do. The cost of living there is insane. We stayed in a friends coffin sized apartment in a shitty neighborhood, and it cost them $300,000 to buy it. The poor where everywhere begging for money from rich tourists holding Chanel bags. How can there be something like ritzy Manhattan, while the rest of the city is falling into ruin and poverty?

I just can’t imagine why all these artists flock there, when I felt so depressed there. I wouldn’t be able to create anything. And there were SO many people— how does anyone actually “make it” in that city? It’s amazing anyone does, especially with the market so flooded with great musicians and actors and artists. How could anyone save up money there? The rent and expenses and food are all so overpriced, and they’re working random jobs to pay for drugs and to live in TINY apartments waiting for their big break… It’s just so depressing to me.

I guess I should give it another chance and for a longer period of time, but I don’t want to return to that city for a while. I guess I just can’t see the appeal?