"the unanswered question, the resolute doubt"

Its the 17th anniversary of my mom’s death. I wish I knew when her birthday was, so I could celebrate her life instead of dwelling on the day her life ended, but alas, I don’t. We don’t freely talk about it and probably never will.

I’m so happy with how my life has turned out, with who my dad re-married, and how my step-mom raised me, but on days like this, I can’t help reflecting with love and gratitude on my first mother as well.

As I get older, I lose the self-pitying emotion I’ve grown up with and start understanding and empathizing with my mother, who knew she would die without knowing her two young girls.

I guess what I’m working through now is that I appreciate more and more each year the strength and courage my mom must have had to face; wondering what would happen to us, who would raise us, if we’d remember her, who’d we become, etc. I respect her even more when I think about how dignified and strong she was through it all. I was extremely young [4], but I don’t ever remember her crying or breaking down around us.

Its also Larry’s and mine’s 1 year anniversary. It was accidental to fall on this date, but I wanted to keep it the same because it helps me focus on my happiness and the beautiful life I’ve been given. It’s been a wonderful, amazing, beautiful, perfect year with him and I hope we have many more to come. I love being with him. I love us. Everything feels perfect.

So I greet today with a little bit of sadness, but mostly gratitude, respect, and love.

i like my body when it is with your
body.  It is so quite new a thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body.  i like what it does,
i like its hows.  i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss,  i like kissing this and that of you,
i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh… And eyes big love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you so quite new

—time is a tree(this life one leaf)

but love is the sky and i am for you

just so long and long enough

excerpt from “as freedom is a breakfast food”; read at my friends wedding this weekend.

We fell in a field it seems now a thousand summers passed.
When our kite lines first crossed,
we tied them into knots 
and to finally fly apart,
we had to cut them off.